It was with a very heavy heart that I left your wonderful country. Seven weeks spent there, yet I felt as if I never got the chance for a proper goodbye.
Admittedly, the last couple of weeks of my program and the time spent after were the most challenging times I’d had to endure throughout my whole stay. Unforeseen circumstances withheld my desire to continue travelling the country. Unforeseen circumstances stopped me from saying farewell to all the people who deserved one.
While I initially felt empowered to finally begin creating content, to share the stories of the unique and diverse individuals I had met, my sense of self-worth and motivation had hit rock bottom. I’d hit a low on this trip that was meant to provide me with an abundance of opportunities to explore another country, its people, its culture, its stories, its history.
I am not happy with the lack of progress I have been making. I realise the way I convey a lack of consistence in my work ethic. Really though, I do not believe I have captured the essence of my trip. I don’t feel I have captured enough stories of the voices I wanted to empower. I do not feel as if I have documented my journey of self enough.
I wish I had another opportunity to express to my students how great I think their capabilities are. I wish I could have another moment with certain teachers to tell them how grateful I am for going out of their way to help me despite it potentially affecting their jobs. I wish I could hug my host mum and sisters right now and tell them how much I love them.
I wish I could convey to the random individuals who literally helped me so much when I had nothing to offer. So many people helped me without asking for anything in return. I wish I could give them the world back.
Words mean little next to actions. There was and is so much left unsaid. It feels surreal to be coming back home.
I hope that I can return to Thailand to visit every single person who lent me a hand. To visit everyone whose had a lasting impact on me. It’s the least that they deserve.
To everyone reading this, I will try my best not to be inactive for a long period of time. At the same time, I need to take care of my health. I am going to take a step back for now and aim to see this whole process as baby steps towards a bigger purpose.
Social media is not my priority, although I realise its importance in relaying my stories. I will try to focus on my writing, on my photos, on my blog.
I am now writing this on the plane and will be back in Melbourne soon, where I hope to reflect on my learnings, discoveries, and abundance of great, great memories. I will be spending time with my family, and recalibrating my mind and body.
I hope these do not come across as excuses. If anything, this is an accountability post. It is also a way for me to realise that not everything we are passionate about are easy to pursue seriously. These things take time, take work. I hope you can all understand.
With love, always,